Adventures in Video Gaming: MMBN6 Ep 3

Last week on Battle Network:

Lan's father spoke with the shady mayor.

Lan fed a penguin.

Lan's mother asked him to jack in the toilet.

Upon arriving at the aquarium Lan and Troll-Boy learn to their dismay that the building is closed, but will be open the next day (which is a Saturday--so why would an aquarium be closed on a Friday afternoon?) However, during that time, they witness the firing of a pirate who handled the aquarium show. The pirate goes on to complain how the management doesn't appreciate real entertainment and storms off. Thinking absolutely nothing of this, Lan and Troll boy make plans to return the next day.

Lan shows up late, and Troll-Boy complains about how the penguin tried to cuddle with him. After this moving speech, they enter the aquarium and return the penguin to the manager. The manager is so delighted that he offers the boys a free pass for the day. Yeah, I know it's a shitty reward, but Lan and Troll-Boy are blown away by the offer. After seeing all ten or so of the different species of aquatic life, the boys watch the Aquarium's show. This amazing spectacle includes an elephant seal bouncing a ball on its nose and the lady hosting the show riding a dolphin.

After the show, as the boys are leaving the aquarium, Troll-Boy makes a big thing about not wanting to see the penguin before they go. It seems he'd grown quite attached to it after their one night stand and just can't bear to say goodbye. Immediately after they leave, however, a pirhana jumps up in the fountain water, sharks appear in the pool surrounding the aquarium, and all hell breaks loose. All the animals, including alligators, have escaped from their cages.

Troll-Boy rushes in to check on his penguin and Lan runs in after him. Lan finds Troll-Boy heroically defending the penguins from a stationary alligator with a broom, while the aquarium manager is cornered inside a cage (why in the hell did he go in there?) by another stationary alligator. The manager tells Lan that their only hope is to ring the dinner alarm which is controlled by the central computer. The animals know that when the alarm rings it's feeding time.

This is why most prisons have manual locks on the doors.

Well, Lan runs on over to the central computer but his way is blocked by the elephant seal. He searches to find the ball the seal played with during the show in order to distract it and finds it in the bottom of the pool. Completely inflated. I love this game so hard right now. Who needs logic, plot, or sense when you can just make shit up as you go along and people will buy the game anyway? The movies have it all wrong, kids aren't smarter than adults in their innocent wisdom, they're stupid just like the rest of us. They'll watch anything so long as cool shit happens. Hell, I loved He-Man growing up and that cartoon was about the most wildy ludicrous show ever.

Anyway, not only is there an inflated beach ball in the bottom of a pool, but it's also filled with Jellyfish. Here's another amazing leap in logic, not just regarding the jellyfish, but all the fish. How big are these fucking pipes? I can see how they may be fish sized, but shark, dolphin, and jellyfish sized? That's brilliant!

So, Lan is screwed, he can't enter the pool because he'll be stung by the jellyfish. Lan runs out to find something that can help him get the ball. As he's leaving he sees this mysterious girl who appears out of nowhere then disappears. I dub her Ghost-Girl. Lan runs out of the aquarium and sees her standing on the roof and pointing toward the left of the screen and then she disappears. Lan looks to where she pointed and lo and behold there is a robot that Mega Man can embody and run around in the real world.

This is actually introduced earlier in the game and I missed mentioning it. Cyber Town has designed these robots that Navi's can enter into and interact in the real world with one caveat: no weapons.

This robobody allows Mega Man to enter the pool unharmed (!) and bring to surface the beach ball. Mega Man then leaves the body as the be batteries are about to run out and Lan gets the seal to move out of the way by having him play with the ball.

Now, finally inside the aquarium control room, Lan finds the Pirate standing on top of some pipes. The pirate believes he's created the ultimate in entertaiment by having the cages unlocked. I can see where he's coming from; I know that having my life in danger and shitting my pants in terror is far more entertaining than watching an enormous seal bounce a ball on its nose.

Anyway, Lan jacks in the computer despite the pirate's protestations and warnings about his own evil Navi, Dive Man. Mega Man enters into the aquarium's control computer and the first order of business is making sure the proper "fish programs" go into the proper cages. None of the prgrams remember what fish they are, but they remember totally obvious clues. However, it's not as easy as simply returning them to their cages. No, when returning them, one has to run through a maze while being chased by Shark programs that will return the fish programs to their original locations. It's sort of like a neat combination of Pac Man and a pain in the ass.

Once Mega Man returns all 10 programs to their proper cages he moves on to fight Dive Man. In an epic battle of good versus submarine, Mega Man comes out the victor. However, the Pirate is pissed and puts poor Lan in peril. As he's about to put the beat on Lan, in comes the seal, his ball, two penguins at his side, and the emperor penguin on his head barrelling toward the Pirate saving Lan from a fate worse than playing this game.

Troll-Boy finally says goodbye to his penguin friend and many tears are shed. Our heroes return home and that night, Lan has a nightmare. . .

To be continued!!!

Adventures in Video Gaming: MMBN6 Continued!

Previously in Battle Network Lan moved from his home town to Cyber City. His father is working on the new Next-Gen network for the Mayor of Cyber City (yeah, yeah, I missed that important detail, well now you know so lay off). Lan quickly makes friends with Troll-Boy who nearly annhialates everyone in school in order to scare Lan.

And things just keep getting better. . .

Alright, I need to add just a tad more exposition. Apparently everyone in this colorful world has a Navi, which is a little man that lives inside them that travels along the internet. The internet is a physical place. No longer is it used to exchange ideas, files, and enjoying the occassional smut; but rather it is now completely worthless. A person "jacks in" to the internet and using the Navi (which are somehow sentient) kills endless waves of viruses. By the way, the jacking in process apparently requires some sort of judo-chop and a leap into the air.

So, anyway, Mega Man is Lan's Navi. And with that out of the way, on to our story.

There's a quick scene where Lan's father is talking to the principal of Lan's school who happens to be the Mayor, and also happens to have a mustache like Snidely Whiplash. Lan's father has the new program that will help integrate the internet and the real world, but is cautious about it falling into evil hands. Given the Mayor's mustache, I have a feeling that those hands might be closer than Lan's stupid father thinks.

The day after Lan saves the school from Troll-Boy's rogue Navi, Troll-Boy walks into school with an emporor penguin. It seems that the penguin, like Lan, took an immediate and inexplicable liking to Troll-Boy. No matter how hard Troll-Boy tries (mostly by just standing in place and whining) the penguin will not leave his side. Eventually the penguin starts getting irate and hungry and it's up to Lan to feed him.

Since Lan is an idiot, and the biology teacher is too busy to say "fish," Lan has to run around the whole school to find the teacher's assistant to find out that penguins eat fish. Once he learns that obscure fact he seeks to find Troll-Boy's grandfather who just happens to be returning from fishing. Sadly, things get worse before they get better. Grandad's cooler will not open, it's hampered by a virus.

Alright, that's just going too far! Why not get an Igloo brand plastic cooler and two bags of ice, old man? Isn't that more your speed? How the hell does a cooler get infected anyway? Why would it need to be hooked up to the internet?

To no one's astonishment, however, Mega Man defeats the viruses and Lan is able to save the penguin from starvation and Lan and Troll-Boy decide to find out where he belongs by searching the net. When Mega Man arrives to the Seaside portal area of the net, he finds the way impeded by a puddle of water caused by leaky pipes. What pipes are doing on the internet is anyone's guess, but hell, in the same room is a Christmas Tree and an enormous pink cloud, so who am I to ask?

Mega Man finds a repairman, but the idiot has lost his tool and cannot repair the pipe. He mentions he may have left it in the network of a home that he was working on earlier. Coincidentally, Lan's mom is suffering from a broken toilet. In order to help his mother, Lan jacks in the toilet--oh yeah, best game ever.

Viruses defeated, Mega Man finds a cyber-plunger and returns it to the repair man who is somehow able to fix pipes with a plunger. The deadly obstacle now cleared, MegaMan is free to enter the Seaside area.

It is here that Mega Man and Lan learn that penguins, when not residing in the south pole, generally tend to hang out at aquariums. Lan rushes to find Troll Boy and the leave on the bus (flying bus!) to return the penguin to his rightful home.

More to come as I figure out what the hell any of this has to do with anything.

Adventures in Video Gaming: MegaMan Battle Network 6 : Cybeast Gregar

Okay, so I'm the Sports Editor at PGC, so whenever there's a drought of sports games to review, I'll take the leftover crap. Today's specimen is MegaMan Battle Network 6: Cybeast Gregar. I don't know what any of that means, but I do know this game doesn't have a fucking thing to do with the MegaMan I grew up with.

First of all, MegaMan now lives inside a little boy, he's some kind of helper thing. The boy "jacks" in to a computer's network and lets his little MegaMan loose. During this time, MegaMan fights all these little viruses that look like bottle caps. Granted, I'm not too far in the game, but all the sexual innuendo certainly looks promising.

When playing a game with such a ludicrous setup, it's nice to know that the story is proportionatly retarded. The main character, Lan, moves from his small town to another. This sets Lan up as a self-centered dick. He cares so little about his friends that he doesn't bother telling them about the move. In fact, the teacher is the one who announces it to the extreme sadness of the class. Lan was well loved. The teacher and all the students all leave school immediately after the announcement to say goodbye to Lan. Everyone is in tears, including the teacher, who was hoping they would all graduate together (at 12 years of age?).

So now our hero is in a new town whose main difference is that the children are significantly uglier. One child, I shall call him Troll-Boy, is a sociopathic little fucker. He immediately hates Lan for no reason and nearly burns down the school attempting to humiliate him. Lan, fortunately, is the forgiving sort, and takes a liking to Troll-Boy immediately.

This is where I've left off at the game, but I promise to give you further exciting details into this epic GameBoy narrative.

Click here to read the continuing adventures of Lan and Mega Man

Thoughts On: Dawn

This is a new "feature" I've decided to add to the blog to create the illusion of value. Maybe if I talk about products people will think I'm giving them information along with entertainment, when really I'm no less talking out of my ass than I was before.

The old saying goes: Dawn takes grease out of your way. I think Proctor and Gamble is underestimating their product. Dawn goes so much further than that. Don't believe me? Purchase a bottle of Dawn and then purchase a bottle of Liquid Joy. No, wait, don't. You should just believe me. I'll even back what I'm saying up with facts.

FACT: Dawn is not just soap, it's made by God Himself to cleanse the world from Sin.

FACT: Dawn is an extremely powerful aphrodesiac.

FACT: Dawn does, in fact, take grease out of your way.

It's the best and fastest way to clean a pot and/or pan that is caked with lard and chunks of unidentifiable animal tissue.

How has Dawn affected me in my life? Oh, man, it's incalculable. There was the one time I was at Virginia beach and got caught by an undertow. I felt a hand grab on to my forearm and helped pull me out. I looked up and all I saw was a bottle of Dawn.

Then there was the time that I was in Basic Training feeling a bit down. I was missing my family, friends, and contemplating how I could plant the roots for a totalitarian government. At that precise moment I found a bottle of Dawn and a smile slowly formed on my face and I was thinking about unicorns and butterflies again.

Think about all the times in your life when Dawn has helped you: The final inning of the big little league game when your team needed a grand slam to win; during your wedding when you dropped the ring down the bride's dress; and the time where you ejaculated prematurely.

Life is short people, don't fuck it up by using the wrong dish soap.

Who Am I? Why Am I Here?

Alright, so here goes my first actual blog post here. After all the goofiness that precedes this post, I suppose I owe an explanation to anyone who finds this place by accident.

I'm a staff writer (specifically the Sports [games] Editor) for Planet GameCube, which has been a great honor and a lot of fun. Sadly, because writing for that site requires focus, integrity, and creativity, all the sludge gets printed here.

You'll find that I have a lot to say and none of it worth reading. But you'll read it anyway because my words are so fucking attractive. Seriously look at this word: Sampler. That's probably the most erotic version of that word you've ever seen. So, ladies, if you need to step away for a moment to change your panties, I'll understand.

If you've made it this far, and your not feeling stupider, then keep reading. By the time you're done here, I promise your IQ will dip down at least 50 points.

Moving Day

I've decided to move my stupid blog here so that I can actually show it to people who aren't on Myspace. I know it sucks, but online I can't see their disapproving faces, and that makes it worthwhile.

Anyway, for fun and profit, I've moved a few of my older Myspace blog posts here for your reading boredome.

El Estinko Mas Fuerte

It's time for my annual soul searching blog. It's amazing that I've been alive now for over 28 years and still haven't found the damn thing. I blame my parents, they always put my shit where I can't find them anymore. God only knows where my NES went. But at least I still have my original copy of Super Mario Land for my non-existant GameBoy.


So, the other day I was meditating over a biography of Martin Short and I thought to myself, Stan, it's pretty amazing that you can think in italics.

Then I went out and saw Superman Returns and I present to you my review:

Watch this fucking movie and love it or I will beat you with your severed leg.

Then I came back home and looked over my previous blog entries that no one bothers to actually read and found that I keep fluctuating between being superhuman and a failure. It's come down to a choice. It's kinda like the choice people make early on in life on whether or not they want to be gay or straight (I applaud those who choose gay, those guys must have some balls, especially the southern ones--either that or they're masochistic). I chose superhuman.

As of now, you may refer to me as Your Majesty, Your Grace, or Papa Smurf. All will do quite nicely.

Spank the Rainbow

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Wine from the Finest Grapenuts

There are times in our lives when we must begin a sentence with an annoying cliche.

Anyway, things have been going well as of late. Stuff has happened while other things haven't and in the end I've grown older as a person. It's times like these that I sit back and reflect on how much time I have left before I need to go to bed.

I know what makes me a man and it's not (just) my fabulous genitalia. If I told you what else made me a man it would give away my secret and make me seem far less mysterious and in this day and age of satellite photographs, night vision goggles, and telescopic microphones, a man can use all the mystery he can get.

Now, as for my agenda today, I've decided to give all my readers a giant hug. But only the local ones. That pretty much just leaves Gabe. Actually, I don't even think he reads this. So, that leaves no one.

I'm so lonely, I'm Mr. Lonely. I have nobody of my own.

Face Vs Pavement: The Rematch

I feel that my last blog may have offended some people and I apologize for it. I didn't mean to insult your shitty taste in music.

Now that the touchy feely stuff is out of the way, I wanted to come up with another topic of discussion. That's why it's taken so long for me to post another one of these things.

Sadly, in the past two or three weeks, I haven't been able to think of a thing. Which brings me to my current topic of discussion: Stan = Failure.

It's absolutely true. Despite my courage, charm, and what I call "the ability of Fascination," I have yet to accomplish something meaningful in my life. I have not yet given birth, become president of the US, or starred in a major motion picture.

I know you're thinking, "Jesus, Stan, why don't you just cut off your wang and call it a day?" Well, I don't believe in self mutilation (I live in constant fear of physical pain), and I'm Catholic. That counts as birth control, I believe.

So, why do I hope that you're reading this? I'm not sure. I have yet to receive a penny from any of this, yet I return to write. Then again, I'm blogging on Myspace. That right there makes me an abject failure.

As of today, I'm turning over a new leaf. I'm going to drop the crack pipe and contribute to society. Starting tomorrow, I'm going to work on the homeless problem with a cattle prod and some M&Ms.

Next, I'll tackle the gang violence by joining all of them and declaring myself their leader. I will then start a harem with all their hood-rat hoochies.

These innovative ideas, plus the power of the Axe effect, will eventually lead me to the superiority over the human race I have been seeking for ages.

Forbidden Would Love It In Hell

Two quick things. Today my profile views is 666. So for one day, I am the devil! I'm so metal!

Another thing, can Myspace come up with something like Top 8, only the opposite. I'd like a bottom 8 or maybe bottom 391. I never ever want to see Forbidden on my fucking page again.

It's just not fair that stand-up citizens like Ole Dirty Bastard and Hunter S. Thompson are dead, but ugly trash like Forbidden still live and get to hock shit on my Myspace page.

That said, I don't want to see Tom on my page, either. I think he should have a dipshit filter. I'm not an idiot, I know that Myspace isn't going to charge people for not posting pictures of the Fruit of the Loom gang, or start charging $30 a month for this sad excuse for a meat market. So why should I put up with his, "This is a hoax" updates, or "Our video playing software is crap-we're fixing it" posts. I know they're going to fix it, and if they didn't, I wouldn't care. I hate videos. I hate music on pages. I hate anything that makes a page take longer to load just so I can hear your crap taste in music.

By the way, be sure to check out my front page and enjoy the entire Abba Dancing Queen video. I gaurantee it doesn't suck and you will just love it.

Seriously, though, does Myspace have an option for me to turn off all music on everyone's pages? They should. Then they'd be the greatest non-porn website on the entire internet. Next to PlanetGameCube. That's the greatest site ever. Sorry, Maddox.

Chewing Gum Mouth Burst

Since the dawn of man, the world has been searching for an answer. I believe I've found it. And no, it's not 42.

The answer to the great question, "Why?" is deceptively simple:"

Because I fucking said so! Now go make me dinner, bitch!"

Some may not see the true depth of that response, but that's because they're numbnuts. And if you do not see the vast universal truth within that response, simply create yourself a nametag that says: Failure.

Those of you who are wise, feel free to use this response whenever any potential scholar asks you that which was previously unanswerable.

Fungal Growth Exceeds Expectations

I've been scouring the internet quite a bit in recent days trying to find a little bit of humanity. Most of what I found were upskirt pics and chicks with dicks. I'm thinking about starting an Internet Revolution. I will start with small fry like spud.com (lol pun!!!) and move on to the behemoths.

As for any logistical plans, I have none. I ask you, my faithful and not-as-lazy-as-me reader to come up with some kind of plan. Maybe start off with an objective. I dunno, I just want a revolution. It doesn't have to be violent, but there should be a lot of passion involved and tons of sweaty naked chicks (sans dicks).

This is where the comments section of my BLOG actually becomes practical. Instead of HAR HAR U R TEH FUNEE (when all of my posts have been 100% serious), you can give me ideas.

Thanks for your time, your support, and, hopefully, your money.